2017 is a rough year for me but hardships don’t end here. I believe that there are a lot more personal battles that the following years will offer me. But these are what make this year a bit different:
2017 made me taste a bit of what adulthood is, it turned me into a matured millennial adult, it taught me how to run errands while preparing for an exam the next morning and it taught me how to choose my battles and win them. Although still dependent and jobless, there are these big responsibilities handed over me this year — from commitment to medical school to being the guardian to my niece.
2017 is a year when I had to make decisions that would change my life forever — letting go of people that weren’t meant to be with me, giving up the luxuries of life to pursue my medical dream, learning how to prioritize faith followed by health over anything else.
2017 is a year of hiatus. I couldn’t produce creative content like I used to do. My tools and crafts were destroyed. There’s nothing left on my portfolio. There’s no more creative juices. All gone.
When it comes to academics, it was almost impossible to graduate from my premed course for so many reasons. I wasn’t able to take up the board exam because my body needed rest. Health issues almost made me give up med school. It was as if there’s no road to possibility but I value education so much so I blazed a trail to graduate from my premed course and then join med school. I made it but I got too tired.
I lost a lot this year — friends, trust of my clients, business that I worked hard for throughout my premed years, comfort of life I used to enjoy, truths about my life (they came out lies) and the worst of all…as I mourn with all those losses, I lost myself. I felt that every inch of me was worthless. I became the monster I warned myself from.
This year I battled a lot with my mental health. One day I think I’m fine then the next day I’m not. There was a time I thought I was healed but I caught myself pretending that everything’s fine. Yes, I started smiling but I wasn’t happy. Yes, I started reconnecting myself with others but with walls built. Yes, I was fixing the mess I’ve done but not really. Around two months ago, I thought of writing about the things I was grateful for that happened this year but when I looked back how this year had been all I could see were losses, failures and heartaches. I thought I could finally see good in all that have happened but I was still blinded by pain.
I knew I was on the wrong track so I asked help from others and I stood up to help myself too. Although it was painful, I admitted my mistakes and the consequences of my mess, and mistakes. I accepted that some things are gone now and some people aren’t part of my life anymore. I faced the reality. It was like starting all over again. I was broken and clueless but I believed that greater things were on their way to knock on my door. I said I’d wait patiently and soon I’d know the reasons behind all those.
That soon happened today.
Healing takes time. I’m still hurting but now I can see light despite how dark the road has been for me. I’m grateful for so many things this year — stronger faith, health, family, old friends who stayed, new friends, found myself but a better version, graduating in my premed course (Nutrition & Dietetics), and then joining med school. I almost forgot that all these were what I prayed for but when they happened I didn’t notice it because I was holding on to those that were gone.
A lot of good things happened this year that I was blind to recognize right away. This year has been great after all. It tested my faith in God, trust in God’s plans, relationship with my family, commitment in medicine, ambition for my family, self-love, passion in recreating my craft and portfolio and living my life purpose.
The reason I share my story is this… I believe that everyone of us go through difficult times. Every single day we wake up to different battles but know that we are capable of winning. We are stronger than we thought we are. We possess talents and skills we thought we never had. Even life has to drown us deep in the sea sometimes, we end up climbing mountains. We can turn our failures into fuel to sprint harder to be where we have to be. We are capable of winning if we just choose to.
Now I understand that I have to lose some to gain a wiser, stronger, kinder, more passionate and more hardworking woman that I am now and maybe just to write these stories shared with you today.